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Can WWE re-cast its perfect Mania with its current roster?
by Sam Everett, @readsameverett
General consensus among fans, especially longtime fans, is that WrestleMania X-Seven, the 2001 edition of WWE's most lucrative creation, is the greatest Mania of all-time. (Though you won't get any side-eye saying WrestleMania III either, the Logan to X-Seven's Dark Knight. Just know, all other WrestleManias are MCU movies: solid, fun, and forgettable, at least until the next installment.) X-Seven came off so well, no one could blame Vince McMahon if he'd tried to recreate it beginning immediately with X8. And by "recreate," I mean ape it, match for match, moment for moment if possible. But it seems he never did. The company that famously trips over itself trying to replicate fluke successes has yet to take a shot at cloning its greatest achievement. What if, with WrestleMania 35, the next "Granddaddy of Them All," it tried? What would the current product look like in Granddaddy's suit? Would it even fit?
CHRIS JERICHO
vs.
WILLIAM REGAL
- becomes -
ELIAS
vs.
BARON CORBIN
vs.
BARON CORBIN
X-Seven opened with Jericho, the rabble-rousing scoundrel whose charisma captivated the audience, defending his Intercontinental Championship against the corrupt Commissioner Regal. If the Austin/McMahon saga was an anti-authority fantasy on a near Biblical scale, Jericho/Regal was its Saturday morning cartoon counterpart.
The similarities between Jericho and Elias could fill one of Y2J's famous lists. Jericho was metal; Elias is blues-rock. Jericho turned the crowd into a chorus any time he cut mercilessly into a foe; the entire city of Seattle is still booing Elias after a recent SuperSonics jab. Both men have an affinity for scarves. And most notably, both exhibit a boyishness that takes the edge off their egos. Meanwhile, Corbin's turn as a middle-management sychophant seemed random at first, perhaps even a last resort for a struggling performer. But he's taken to the role, portraying an underachieving college jock-turned-weekend manager at his uncle's car dealership with a face-punchable aplomb. Watching him fall to Elias after months of antagonizing the newly-minted fan favorite might establish a hotter crowd than even X-Seven's.
The similarities between Jericho and Elias could fill one of Y2J's famous lists. Jericho was metal; Elias is blues-rock. Jericho turned the crowd into a chorus any time he cut mercilessly into a foe; the entire city of Seattle is still booing Elias after a recent SuperSonics jab. Both men have an affinity for scarves. And most notably, both exhibit a boyishness that takes the edge off their egos. Meanwhile, Corbin's turn as a middle-management sychophant seemed random at first, perhaps even a last resort for a struggling performer. But he's taken to the role, portraying an underachieving college jock-turned-weekend manager at his uncle's car dealership with a face-punchable aplomb. Watching him fall to Elias after months of antagonizing the newly-minted fan favorite might establish a hotter crowd than even X-Seven's.
TAZ and THE A.P.A.
vs.
THE RIGHT TO CENSOR
- becomes -
EMBER MOON, SASHA BANKS & BAYLEY
vs.
ALEXA BLISS, NIA JAX & TAMINA
vs.
ALEXA BLISS, NIA JAX & TAMINA
The Right to Censor, uptight defenders of virtue who dressed like Mormons and proselytized like the GOP pre-Trump, managed to irritate fans for months by assimilating the company's resident porn star and pimp and popping up whenever a woman was set to disrobe in public. At X-Seven, they squared off with their natural foils, the beer-swilling, ass-kicking, name-taking A.P.A. and the ass-kicking, name-taking Tazz (no beer necessary). If the match appeared to be nothing more than a chance for native Texan Bradshaw to give a rousing speech in front of the Houston crowd, that may have been exactly what it was, and exactly what the show needed.
The RTC may be able to claim a moral victory (pun intended, what the heck) as WWE is now PG programming, and so the beer swilling has been replaced with pancake eating and, ironically, there is no group at all like the RTC. However, on Raw, Alexa Bliss appears to be consolidating power as a potential authority figure while she waits out an injury. It isn't hard to imagine her building a bridge to former best friend Nia Jax and Jax's newest running buddy Tamina to make life hell for every woman on Raw not named Ronda Rousey. And, like the A.P.A. bringing Tazz into the fold, it isn't hard to imagine frequent Bliss opponents Banks and Bayley recruiting the brooding Moon to help them stop the Bliss gang's reign of terror and give the crowd a boost.
The RTC may be able to claim a moral victory (pun intended, what the heck) as WWE is now PG programming, and so the beer swilling has been replaced with pancake eating and, ironically, there is no group at all like the RTC. However, on Raw, Alexa Bliss appears to be consolidating power as a potential authority figure while she waits out an injury. It isn't hard to imagine her building a bridge to former best friend Nia Jax and Jax's newest running buddy Tamina to make life hell for every woman on Raw not named Ronda Rousey. And, like the A.P.A. bringing Tazz into the fold, it isn't hard to imagine frequent Bliss opponents Banks and Bayley recruiting the brooding Moon to help them stop the Bliss gang's reign of terror and give the crowd a boost.
RAVEN
vs.
KANE
vs.
BIG SHOW
- becomes -
BRAUN STROWMAN
vs.
THE UNDERTAKER
vs.
THE UNDERTAKER
If X-Seven's Hardcore Championship match was just a means of making a spot for a few well-liked hands on the biggest show of the year, no one told the performers . . . or the production department. For this entertaining backstage brawl, an entire room was constructed seemingly only to be destroyed. Humans were thrown through windows. I'm pretty sure someone was hit by a golf cart. It was wild and it was fun and it was a little silly and it was like nothing else on the show.
Historically, there's never been anything silly about an Undertaker match (at least not intentionally), and especially not at WrestleMania. And so for this year's prospective battle with the new monster on the block, Strowman, that element is out. But The Undertaker is over fifty years old. He may be the only wrestler booked to compete at both X-Seven and WrestleMania 35 (and certainly the only one to compete at every Mania in-between). At this point, the smoke and mirrors can't be reserved solely for his ever-lengthening entrance. Even if he didn't move with the fluidity and athleticism you'd expect of a seven-foot tall man on the AARP's mailing list, we've seen him in traditional, one-on-one bouts literally dozens of times since he made his Mania debut against Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka in 1991.
A change is called for. Plunder is called for. Strowman's unique version of attempted vehicular manslaughter is called for. A room built for destroying is called for. Someone being struck with a golf cart is certainly too silly for an Undertaker match; obviously it has to be a hearse.
Historically, there's never been anything silly about an Undertaker match (at least not intentionally), and especially not at WrestleMania. And so for this year's prospective battle with the new monster on the block, Strowman, that element is out. But The Undertaker is over fifty years old. He may be the only wrestler booked to compete at both X-Seven and WrestleMania 35 (and certainly the only one to compete at every Mania in-between). At this point, the smoke and mirrors can't be reserved solely for his ever-lengthening entrance. Even if he didn't move with the fluidity and athleticism you'd expect of a seven-foot tall man on the AARP's mailing list, we've seen him in traditional, one-on-one bouts literally dozens of times since he made his Mania debut against Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka in 1991.
A change is called for. Plunder is called for. Strowman's unique version of attempted vehicular manslaughter is called for. A room built for destroying is called for. Someone being struck with a golf cart is certainly too silly for an Undertaker match; obviously it has to be a hearse.
TEST
vs.
EDDIE GUERRERO
- becomes -
RUSEV
vs.
SHINSUKE NAKAMURA
vs.
SHINSUKE NAKAMURA
Like Guerrero, Nakamura is a well-traveled in-ring veteran who has honed a character equal parts menacing and amusing. Like Test, Rusev is a mountain of a man and would-be world beater but for the soap opera storylines that seem to gravitate to him. X-Seven's European Championship match was a showcase for Test to pull himself from the wreckage of Attitude Era Crash TV and into the upper card, even in a loss. After years in the comic relief role, Rusev finds himself in need of similar rescue, and keeping up with Nakamura for the latter's United States Championship on the biggest stage of them all is a good start.
CHRIS BENOIT
vs.
KURT ANGLE
CHRIS BENOIT
vs.
KURT ANGLE
- becomes -
ASUKA
vs.
CHARLOTTE FLAIR
The build to Benoit vs. Angle was simple: in the weeks before X-Seven, both men found themselves without dance partners. It just so happened these odd men out were the best in-ring performers on the then-WWF roster. As a bonus, they had competed against each other a year earlier, with Jericho thrown into the mix for a fun triple threat match.
Last year, Asuka won the Royal Rumble, entitling her to a WrestleMania 34 match against either the Raw or SmackDown women's champion. She opted to put her fabled winning streak on the line against Flair for the SmackDown Women's Championship . . . and she fell short. At WrestleMania 35, sans streak and with the Rumble winner over on Raw, Asuka can simply answer Flair's call for a challenger, allowing two of the company's most talented in-ring competitors to recreate last year's near show-stealing bout.
CHYNA
vs.
IVORY
Last year, Asuka won the Royal Rumble, entitling her to a WrestleMania 34 match against either the Raw or SmackDown women's champion. She opted to put her fabled winning streak on the line against Flair for the SmackDown Women's Championship . . . and she fell short. At WrestleMania 35, sans streak and with the Rumble winner over on Raw, Asuka can simply answer Flair's call for a challenger, allowing two of the company's most talented in-ring competitors to recreate last year's near show-stealing bout.
CHYNA
vs.
IVORY
- becomes -
FINN BALOR
vs.
DREW MCINTYRE
vs.
DREW MCINTYRE
Prior to X-Seven, the behemoth Chyna was all but guaranteed to take Ivory's Women's Championship in a match at the Royal Rumble pay-per-view event. But a fluke (storyline) injury gave the win to Ivory, who went on to remind anyone within earshot of her victory over Chyna--only because Chyna was recuperating and never among the ones within earshot. After several months, Chyna returned for a rematch at X-Seven, making quick work of Ivory in a brilliantly brisk squash match, rousing the Houston crowd and claiming the Women's Championship she could never conceivably lose.
Two weeks ago, self-proclaimed chosen one McIntyre put Hall of Famer Angle on the shelf for the foreseeable future, and squawked loudly about it the following week. He has also made an enemy of fan favorite Balor of late. It's not implausible to think Balor may be the next superstar to find himself destroyed and disabled by McIntyre's mammoth hands--necessitating a rematch at WrestleMania and the Mania debut of Balor's wrecking ball of an alter-ego, the Demon. Throw in the Intercontinental Championship and throw out the star ratings and, like Balor, X-Seven's shortest match is given new life.
Two weeks ago, self-proclaimed chosen one McIntyre put Hall of Famer Angle on the shelf for the foreseeable future, and squawked loudly about it the following week. He has also made an enemy of fan favorite Balor of late. It's not implausible to think Balor may be the next superstar to find himself destroyed and disabled by McIntyre's mammoth hands--necessitating a rematch at WrestleMania and the Mania debut of Balor's wrecking ball of an alter-ego, the Demon. Throw in the Intercontinental Championship and throw out the star ratings and, like Balor, X-Seven's shortest match is given new life.
SHANE MCMAHON
vs.
VINCE MCMAHON
- becomes -
AJ STYLES
vs.
SAMOA JOE
vs.
DANIEL BRYAN
vs.
THE MIZ
vs.
SAMOA JOE
vs.
DANIEL BRYAN
vs.
THE MIZ
Shane McMahon may be the Best in the World, but believe it or not his X-Seven match with his father Vince, 25 years his senior, was not about in-ring heroics. It was the culmination of a melodrama complete with supporting characters in Vince's wife Linda, his mistress Trish Stratus, his jealous and vindictive daughter Stephanie, and his wronged ex-employee Mick Foley. The spots that made fans cheer weren't of the suplex and hurricanrana varieties. They were the well-deserved slap Stratus delivered to Vince's face. Shane's clear-across-the-ring dropkick through a garbage can and into Vince's black heart. Linda rising from her catatonic state and delivering a months-in-the-making kick to Vince's grapefruits. This wasn't a wrestling match. It was the climactic season finale of a prestige drama, without the prestige.
And that is all, admittedly, a strange shaped hole to try to fit a peg comprised of in-ring all-timers Styles, Joe, Bryan, and (to a much lesser extent) The Miz. Nevertheless, the ingredients are there to cast 2019's version of the McMahons' sports-entertainment opus. Frame the match as a power struggle between new WWE Champion and newly maniacal Bryan, former champ Styles, perennial contender The Miz, and indie wrestling darling Joe. Toss in SmackDown General Manager Paige sensing a coup on the part of Bryan's own Lady MacBeth, Brie Bella, and reminding Joe he was called up from developmental NXT to be a weapon, and now he can be hers. Mix in Shane backing his former Mania opponent Styles, and Maryse accompanying The Miz as everyone eyes becoming the Face that Runs the Place (apologies to Styles). Save the work rate for a pay-per-view that needs it. Get the whole cast involved with low-blows, another Shane coast-to-coast trash can number, and an unexpected Paige Turner. Finish with Joe winning his first WWE Championship at wrestling's biggest show ever. Roll credits.
THE HARDY BOYZ
vs.
THE DUDLEY BOYZ
vs.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN
And that is all, admittedly, a strange shaped hole to try to fit a peg comprised of in-ring all-timers Styles, Joe, Bryan, and (to a much lesser extent) The Miz. Nevertheless, the ingredients are there to cast 2019's version of the McMahons' sports-entertainment opus. Frame the match as a power struggle between new WWE Champion and newly maniacal Bryan, former champ Styles, perennial contender The Miz, and indie wrestling darling Joe. Toss in SmackDown General Manager Paige sensing a coup on the part of Bryan's own Lady MacBeth, Brie Bella, and reminding Joe he was called up from developmental NXT to be a weapon, and now he can be hers. Mix in Shane backing his former Mania opponent Styles, and Maryse accompanying The Miz as everyone eyes becoming the Face that Runs the Place (apologies to Styles). Save the work rate for a pay-per-view that needs it. Get the whole cast involved with low-blows, another Shane coast-to-coast trash can number, and an unexpected Paige Turner. Finish with Joe winning his first WWE Championship at wrestling's biggest show ever. Roll credits.
THE HARDY BOYZ
vs.
THE DUDLEY BOYZ
vs.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN
- becomes -
THE NEW DAY
vs.
THE USOS
vs.
THE BAR
vs.
THE USOS
vs.
THE BAR
It's been 18 years and WWE still hasn't put together a tag team division as memorable or entertaining as the one lorded over by Edge & Christian, the Hardys, and the Dudleys. It probably never will.
But in recent years the New Day, the Usos, and The Bar have entered into a round robin of reliably great matches. Throwing them all together at once for the first time in a TLC match would be too on the nose to be an homage, but WrestleMania is always made better by at least a ladder match. Include Naomi as the Usos' own Lita, and Big Show as The Bar's Rhyno, and all the pieces are in place for a modern take on X-Seven's TLC 2.
THE GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL
But in recent years the New Day, the Usos, and The Bar have entered into a round robin of reliably great matches. Throwing them all together at once for the first time in a TLC match would be too on the nose to be an homage, but WrestleMania is always made better by at least a ladder match. Include Naomi as the Usos' own Lita, and Big Show as The Bar's Rhyno, and all the pieces are in place for a modern take on X-Seven's TLC 2.
THE GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL
- becomes -
THE CIVIL WAR LUMBERJACK MATCH
WWE has conjured up some elaborate gimmicks in the years since X-Seven, from the worm-eating Boogeyman to the hard-partying Adam Rose and his massive entourage. But nothing has come close to the brilliant simplicity of a giant hillbilly or a creep tax collector, so any attempt to recreate the Gimmick Battle Royal would be a fool's errand.
What WWE can do is celebrate its current product. It wouldn't be hard to manufacture a storyline wherein veterans like Dolph Ziggler and Natalya and Bobby Lashley take umbrage with NXT alumni whose grind they don't respect. The Zigglers and Natalyas and Lashleys of the world didn't have the state-of-the-art training facilities and well-promoted TakeOver events these new talents enjoy. NXT is a production line of the soft, entitled Millennials Ronda Rousey has taken to insulting lately, and it makes these veterans sick. Whip it all up into some sort of tag team lumberjack match pitting the newest generation against superstars who got to WWE "the old-fashioned way," surround the ring with NXT grads and pre-NXT vets, and let them go at it in a short but energetic match. And if it doesn't end in No Way Jose urging everyone to get along and get in line--the biggest Conga line wrestling has ever seen, that is--then someone should be fired.
THE UNDERTAKER
vs.
TRIPLE H
What WWE can do is celebrate its current product. It wouldn't be hard to manufacture a storyline wherein veterans like Dolph Ziggler and Natalya and Bobby Lashley take umbrage with NXT alumni whose grind they don't respect. The Zigglers and Natalyas and Lashleys of the world didn't have the state-of-the-art training facilities and well-promoted TakeOver events these new talents enjoy. NXT is a production line of the soft, entitled Millennials Ronda Rousey has taken to insulting lately, and it makes these veterans sick. Whip it all up into some sort of tag team lumberjack match pitting the newest generation against superstars who got to WWE "the old-fashioned way," surround the ring with NXT grads and pre-NXT vets, and let them go at it in a short but energetic match. And if it doesn't end in No Way Jose urging everyone to get along and get in line--the biggest Conga line wrestling has ever seen, that is--then someone should be fired.
THE UNDERTAKER
vs.
TRIPLE H
- becomes -
JOHN CENA
vs.
RANDY ORTON
vs.
RANDY ORTON
In the weeks prior to X-Seven, Triple H stood in the middle of the ring and made the mistake of claiming he had beaten everyone there was to beat. The Undertaker pointed out, in his ever kind way, that Triple H had not, in fact, beaten him. Then, in the ensuing weeks, they beat the hell out of each other and anyone associated with them until they squared off in a match that took them all over the Astrodome.
One can easily imagine Orton, in his latest incarnation as a self-involved psychopath, declaring he's done it all, beaten the best, and now he deserves a marquee match at Mania. And cue Cena making a surprise appearance to note that, though they've feuded off-and-on (mostly on, it seems) since their 2002 debuts, they never went head-to-head in a singles match at WrestleMania. Orton likes the challenge, and the opportunity to make Cena's marketable face look like Jeff Hardy's earlobe (Not Safe For Stomachs). Weeks of brutal skirmishes follow before they can cap off their era-defining run against each other at the biggest show in wrestling.
STEVE AUSTIN
vs.
THE ROCK
One can easily imagine Orton, in his latest incarnation as a self-involved psychopath, declaring he's done it all, beaten the best, and now he deserves a marquee match at Mania. And cue Cena making a surprise appearance to note that, though they've feuded off-and-on (mostly on, it seems) since their 2002 debuts, they never went head-to-head in a singles match at WrestleMania. Orton likes the challenge, and the opportunity to make Cena's marketable face look like Jeff Hardy's earlobe (Not Safe For Stomachs). Weeks of brutal skirmishes follow before they can cap off their era-defining run against each other at the biggest show in wrestling.
STEVE AUSTIN
vs.
THE ROCK
- becomes -
SETH ROLLINS
vs.
DEAN AMBROSE
vs.
DEAN AMBROSE
and . . .
BECKY LYNCH
vs.
RONDA ROUSEY
Austin vs. The Rock was the most obvious WrestleMania main event WWF could book in 2001. There were no wrestlers-turned-Hollywood stars to call upon for easy mainstream appeal. Fondly remembered performers of the past were likely under contract to World Championship Wrestling, the rival promotion that WWE would purchase mere weeks before X-Seven, so the idea of trotting out Hulk Hogan or Randy Savage for a dream match remained limited to fans' dreams. It may seem unreal to modern viewers, but during the Attitude Era WWE made do with the superstars it had on its day-to-day roster. Even for WrestleMania! Fortunately, Austin and The Rock were already Mount Rushmore talents in their primes, tailor made to main event Mania until they didn't want to anymore (or until Austin's body gave out on him and movies made The Rock one of those wrestlers-turned-Hollywood stars).
Likewise, Lynch and Rousey's current feud has quickly boiled over to become the most compelling part of WWE television. Neither performer is nearly as popular as Austin or The Rock--most wrestlers never will be--but their storyline is the hottest property in wrestling now, and their main event status is as obvious as Austin and The Rock's was in 2001.
On the men's side of things, it's harder to determine the top stars. Outside of Roman Reigns (away from the ring battling a recurrence of leukemia), most of the roster coexists on one of two or three tiers (upper-card stars, lower-carders waiting for their break, and if my father is to be believed, folks like R-Truth and Heath Slater who occasionally wrestle but mostly earn their keep maintaining WWE's sprawling convoy of 18-wheelers). But in the past year Rollins has asserted himself as Raw's alpha dog as much as anyone, thanks to solid mic work and memorable matches. Meanwhile, in his role as the Austin-like anti-hero, Ambrose has found himself as the focal point of the company on a few occasions. His recent betrayal of Rollins has set off the second-most intriguing storyline currently playing out in WWE, and while he is clearly the black hat in their feud, he is still the gritty brawler challenging the polished, former hand-picked franchise player Rollins. Add the Universal Championship (just waiting for Rollins to win it from Brock Lesnar, perhaps at the Royal Rumble event), and here is the match whose finish is most apt to echo Austin's jaw-dropping turn to the Dark Side at X-Seven, with Rollins getting help from oft-evil company head Triple H to screw over Ambrose--validating Ambrose's recent paranoia and retroactively transforming him into the guy fans never wanted to boo in the first place.
WrestleMania doesn't have to be the paint-by-numbers affair it's become, booking a celebrity here, a part-timer there, giving ten minutes to a couple of great technicians and pretending it'll be a five-star match, throwing everyone else into a battle royal someone like Rousey would equate to a participation trophy. It's delusional to expect WWE to trace by hand its greatest card, but it should certainly look to past performance to seek out future successes. If it hopes for WrestleMania 35 to be remembered alongside X-Seven and III, it can't book the show like 31 through 34.
Likewise, Lynch and Rousey's current feud has quickly boiled over to become the most compelling part of WWE television. Neither performer is nearly as popular as Austin or The Rock--most wrestlers never will be--but their storyline is the hottest property in wrestling now, and their main event status is as obvious as Austin and The Rock's was in 2001.
On the men's side of things, it's harder to determine the top stars. Outside of Roman Reigns (away from the ring battling a recurrence of leukemia), most of the roster coexists on one of two or three tiers (upper-card stars, lower-carders waiting for their break, and if my father is to be believed, folks like R-Truth and Heath Slater who occasionally wrestle but mostly earn their keep maintaining WWE's sprawling convoy of 18-wheelers). But in the past year Rollins has asserted himself as Raw's alpha dog as much as anyone, thanks to solid mic work and memorable matches. Meanwhile, in his role as the Austin-like anti-hero, Ambrose has found himself as the focal point of the company on a few occasions. His recent betrayal of Rollins has set off the second-most intriguing storyline currently playing out in WWE, and while he is clearly the black hat in their feud, he is still the gritty brawler challenging the polished, former hand-picked franchise player Rollins. Add the Universal Championship (just waiting for Rollins to win it from Brock Lesnar, perhaps at the Royal Rumble event), and here is the match whose finish is most apt to echo Austin's jaw-dropping turn to the Dark Side at X-Seven, with Rollins getting help from oft-evil company head Triple H to screw over Ambrose--validating Ambrose's recent paranoia and retroactively transforming him into the guy fans never wanted to boo in the first place.
WrestleMania doesn't have to be the paint-by-numbers affair it's become, booking a celebrity here, a part-timer there, giving ten minutes to a couple of great technicians and pretending it'll be a five-star match, throwing everyone else into a battle royal someone like Rousey would equate to a participation trophy. It's delusional to expect WWE to trace by hand its greatest card, but it should certainly look to past performance to seek out future successes. If it hopes for WrestleMania 35 to be remembered alongside X-Seven and III, it can't book the show like 31 through 34.
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